


To Live And Not To Breath

by Kritty



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bucky Barnes & Winter Soldier are Different Personalities, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, POV Second Person, Quote: Who the hell is Bucky? (Marvel), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, i have so many feels concerning bucky barnes, mentions of electrocution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27387520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kritty/pseuds/Kritty
Summary: Five times the Winter Soldier is conscious and one time he actually stays that way, giving James Barnes a chance to survive.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers
Kudos: 11





	To Live And Not To Breath

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The mentioned characters are not mine, I don't earn any money with this.
> 
> A/N: English is not my first language, please be kind :)  
> ______________________________________________________________

_To live and not to breathe  
Is to die in tragedy_  
(„Jesus Of Suburbia“, Green Day)

**I.**

You fall into existence once again and open your eyes. The first thing you notice is that you can't breathe. Your lungs aren't working right, there's too much pressure and your heart hurts. You make a sound, but you only notice it's you making the sound when there's a face over you. You realize you're lying down and can't move – you might have made another sound because the face over you, the little one with the glasses on it, looks frustrated. You feel remorse but-

**II.**

You're in New York City and that's the only thing you know. You're standing in front of a house, and you should be disoriented but you're not. Something's scratching on the surface of your brain, has been since you were sent on this mission, but you don't know what it is. Your heart is hammering in your chest, you feel like breathing is not quite possible and you realise you should probably call in or go to one of the safehouses, but you do neither of those things. You keep staring at the house until you feel a small stab of pain in your neck and-

**III.**

You‘re on that chair again, and the air is pressed out of your lungs by electricity racing through your body, burning you from the inside out. You're screaming, but you see yourself sitting in that chair, floating above yourself, noticing with a strange sense of detachment that your skin seems to be far too waxy, the scars on your left shoulder forming an angry red maze, and you can't breath, you-

**IV.**

The mission is clear in your head, you can list the facts about the target, the paradigm of the objective, and you once again don't care about anything.  
You do what is needed and what is expected from you, and you enjoy the thrill, the hard and effective motions of your limbs while fighting.  
The red headed woman is not a target, but there are fleeting thoughts of Red Rooms and you don’t understand, just keep fighting, and -  
„Bucky?!“  
\- you heart stops for a split second, your lungs seem to be void of air, your mind is blank, and the English rolls as easy from your lips as the Russian only a few moments ago.  
„Who the hell is Bucky?“  
Your question is not given an answer, but you don‘t care, because you remember that terrifying breathless moment, and later you‘re on that chair again, and your handler -

**V.**

Your fists are pummeling Captain America’s face, already bloody, some cuts already starting to heal. The wounds on your own body are starting to heal too, slower. The skin and muslces where Barnes‘ flesh meets your Weapon is hurting, and you think that The Arm might be failing soon. There’s something wrong with the wires, you can feel it.  
The mission is going wrong, too. You were not efficient enough, not handling this target as you’re supposed to. You will receive the punishments for this later on, you know this. But Captain America still utters words that make your mind screech, make the inside of your chest burn with terror and rage. The potomac is calm and inviting beneath you – and suddenly you’re falling and there is a split second when there is a different image before your eyes. A train, snow on mountains, blood around your arm and _pain, pain pain_.  
The scream that wants to escape your throat gets swallowed by the rush of the wind, the clarity brought to your brain by the panic you feel so thoroughly you’re sure you’r going to die. The water isn’t cold when you and The Target hit it, but it is unforgiving in its changing the way things are. Your bracing for impact is futile and –

**\+ 1**

You don’t lose consciousness, but you feel like drowning when you tread the water slowly. The Target is limp against your body and your mind is racing along with Barnes‘ heart. Nothing is right with this. You will be wiped. Reaching the shore there will be your Handlers, grabbing you, anouncing the next steps, declaring that another cyro series must be in order.  
But you hold The Target closer to you, and when you reach the shore there are no Handlers. You don’t fall next to The Target to surrender to anything, don’t go into stand-by. 

The stare you give the man in front of you, lying on the floor soaked to the bone, is a long and forbidden one. And when you turn around to leave Captain America behind you don’t know yet that James Buchanan Barnes lifts his head inside you and is crying hopeful tears, pushing prescious air into your lungs.

____  
End.  
Thank you for reading, hope you liked it :)


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